Have my driving test in a few minutes .. 😮😫😓😲 feeling nervous.. :@@@
Being lonely for a long time is bad..but what’s worse than that is meeting someone even just once ,realizing that there is hope for u to get out of this loneliness and than being alone again .That is because at first u just thought that’s it..u got used to ur loneliness and it didn’t bother u anymore,but as soon as u felt how good is to be with someone u can talk ,listen,walk home with makes it so hard to get back to the first estate ,because u already know how good it feels not being alone.Right now I feel so down and lonely and I just can’t think about that short time I past with a real person..a real friend if I can call him that..at first I was nervous and I mostly didn’t talk most of the time and there were so many things I wish I had said but that’s me I need time to get used to people.. and that walk home..it wasn’t just me by myself and mp3 player..there was someone next to me walking with me it was real but what I wanted in that moment was to go home because I wasn’t believing it was real and now I wish I had just been myself .Nd at the end when he hugged me oh my I really need a life ..I don’t wanna be alone amore even if that means I’m gonna get hurt eventually..it’s gonna happen either way..the world is a scary place he said,and I remembered myself saying that to myself so many times and hearing that by someone else just made me feel normal again..ughhh I am sooo sad..I just want him to message me and be like hey wanna hang out again..had fun last time or just I wanna be yr friend..still waiting still hoping and trust me this hope is killing me ..
I’m in the U.S.A ..Finally after 14 years of waiting (which i must say) is not that i stayed 14 years thinking about when i would come here..I almost forgot i could be coming here,which of course made the waiting easier. Ok , so here i am sitting on a coach watching Disney Channel,while my brother is sleeping in the other couch .. Was this what i thought about coming to the states ? NO.. I was actually supossed to live an interesting life right now..Like (propably most of the people would agree) ,but even doing homeworks sounds interesting right now,or just visiting places around Maine,or be with my new cool friends i don’t have.. All is just moving in slow motion. I also opened a dating site..Yayy..Not really..Everyone showing their cheesy lines,or interests or asking question..(even my interview questions yesterday were much better ) ..and even when there is someone interesting there ,,they even disapear,,which is not that they are actually real from the computer anyway..so yeah again Boring ..At least i love working at my part-time job..I like the people,the place and everything..but still working in a fashion,clothing and furniture shop doesn’t feel like doing a change.. Anyway..as i mentioned before i had this interview yesterday,by some guy named Marc(the manager)..I was just there sitting in the living room,waiting for the manager to show up and interview me,feeling nervous about what i would be asked and after a few moments..Everything went dark for me.or propably it went to bright that i couldn’t see..He was just like a movie star..and his smile ..i just felt even more nervous..what made it worse was that he was acting so not like a manager,,just like talking to some usually normal person i met,,and trust me i became nervous even with normal people..not that he is not normal ,but still the manager ..The interview was fun and we sat outside and of course i choosed exactly the place where my sun would fell right into my face and i was almost crying for a moment..maybe he noticed maybe not..i was so concetrated at him that i starting showing up my embarrassing self..than i would stop for a second and think did i say the right thing..after the interview..he showed me the place and i so wanted to see more but i had to be at work for 30 minutes so i just left thinking for that interview and i was so happy that i did 45 minutes of usually going to work in 15 minutes without even feeling tired. Today is the day after the interciew and i cant stop thinking if i will get the job or not…i know it sounds like i want the job so i can have the opportunity to talk or just see Marc again,(which kind of is somehow a reason) but i still need the job and i am really scared whether i’ll make it or not..I will hopefully get an answer tomorrow..Till than i’ll be waiting and overthinking everything like always.
I don’t know how i feel. I’m confused,shocked,happy ,sad,afraid,romantic..HELL!! Something like that..I just can’t find the proper word..I don’t even know if that is any proper word about it..It’s just something so calm and messy at the same time ,like just right after watching a movie,or maybe watching a movie while i’m still in a movie,or a dream,life..FUCK!! I don’t know.Maybe the person,thing,nothing that is controlling me now knows it ,but doesn’t want me to know or scare me or whatever else..I just feel like writting right now,trying to figure out myself,my thoughts..Ggghhh.. i don’t know ..This writting is so bullshit..,but still a writting..I don’t know why i’m still writting this and maybe u have no idea why u are reading and u still wanna read and also maybe u start doubting youself..what are u doing now ,why are u doing,what should u be really doing,or not doing or WHY DO U HAVE TO DO SOMETHING AT ALL.What’s the purpose..Why is it a purpose??Why am i living?? Why is someone dead or dying..why i’m seating and writting to understand what i feel.Because that’s what people,writers,dreamers do?? What do i wanna figure out? Say with this? why does anyone care anyway?And why SO many Questins,when i can’t find the Answers? I just wanna stop writting ,but also i’m thinking what title should i put in this posting..it would be “Unexpected explosion”, “Just write”,”Why the hell am i writting”,”Momental feelings of a teenager” or “Going to write something and than close my blog and open it when i start doubting again and again and again + Infinity”. It’s just complicated. I’m gonna let u decide about it ,cuz’ at the end there is no message i wanna give or receive (for me) ,but if u find a message inside that just great ..i just wrote a line that i deleted to replace it with this one u’re reading.. and i definitely want to stop ,but i just wanna talk for the rest of my life by writting… and there are so many to say and i’m not saying anything and it’s really irritating because i don’t know what to say..I always think that i know almost everything going on to me ,but than this crisis of thoughts and emotions start and here i am..Giving me a headache and propably giving u a headache and messing your moment so badly that u wanna stop reading and u still can’t stop.And now i’ve run out of things to say..It’s not easy . I could go back and read it ,but it’s crazy. I never get back to see what i’ve done. Why?? Maybe because i know i didn’t do it right,or maybe because i’m afraid to see what i’ve done,or maybe i’m afraid to see that i haven’t done anything..I’m so about to explode and i wan’t to so it will be over and u won’t have why to continue reading this..It’s about 490 words till now and i can’t remember even writting an essay as long as this..Now it’s 500 and later it’s going to be more and more,by each word i type that maybe even my blog won’t allow it to be published.Ohh and i’m just going to make some ……. to the title so i won’t have to worry which one to chose and regret about chosing a tilte about me ,my feelings at this moment.. I don’t wan’t a title for me ..I’m not still over..It’s not the end yet and the title scares me..it makes me feel like i’m going back to emptiness and i don’t know if i have ever been there actually,but i know i must have been and know i’m here and my head still wants to explode ,but it can’t ..where were i ? Where am i? Where should i be? I don’t know if i want to know the answers of this cuz’ the truth would scare me and i don’t like being scared..I can’t concentrate if i’m scared..It’s like i came to life,,get visible again..And now u must be thinking :Here she goes again with visibility and uninvisibility thing..,but actually when i started writting this i wan’t thinking about that at all..it just came out this last lines,which are definitely going to be my last,cause i’m so tired of writting that my hands are shaking and more thought are coming..Ow i’m so tired of thoughts,waiting,being patient ,being… I’m so tired of everything..of the word tired..i gives me negative emotions and even that i don’t like them i can’t live without them..I’m such a negative person..U know i was watching this romance and drama movie and i was nearly the end and i was so hoping it would end bad ,really bad and it sudenly didn’t end at all..or even if it did i didn’t understand it …if it meant that there was no ending,or not the kind of ending i wanted to..And now Stop,because the more i try to stop more things start coming to my mind . STOP!!!
Me as a person can be seen ,heard and felt,but i’m not just a person..I’m a writer, an architecture,a painter ,a taker and a giver.As for my home i don’t have one i have many..My home is everywhere.I can write my own home and paint it with the colours of my heart. It will surely be abstract.I will build it with my imagination and surrender it with music so I feel warm and inspired wherever I go. As for my destination I will go wherever my heart leads me. To me the destination is not what matters. It’s more about taking and giving. I would give these places my time and in exchange I would ask for their essence. I would like to be invisible so I could stay everywhere. I would watch people’s reaction to life and most of the time i would lay in the middle of the world and watch the cars passing over me unable to hurt me. And at night I would count the stars even though they are endless. This way I could feel closer to infinity. I would write my life with the sounds of the night and bury each page in different places. And my favorite thing, I want to climb every high building and see how big I am compared to the world. Of course I would miss a normal life and my family, but to achieve what you want you have to sacrifice. I don’t want to travel as a person but as an invisible soul, because this is the only way for people not to know my existence, but still leave my mark in their life, in this world.I don’t wanna be remember by them, I just don’t want to be forgotten by life,death and eternity.”
Here i am alone,lying on the cold ground ,trying to hear the sound of the earth,trying to see how our planet moves.So i just close my eyes and see the darkness filling them.. It’s just me..standing in the air.,.still invisible. I try to walk,but all i walk on is darkness.i know it’s just my closed eyes,but suddenly i don’t want to open them. I have to find it. I don’t know what it is..what shape it has got,what color Or where is it.. I just know it is. I can feel it.. Is it possible for someone invisible like me to feel? Hush! I can hear something..it’s here ,i know it’s here. But,… What’s this light coming through my chest..what’s this rhythm i feel in my veins? And after a moment i can hear it inside of me.. My Heart! It’s beating. IT’S BEATING! It really is. I feel life. Now i’m the invisible girl with a visible heart.
U know? There are also some “side effects” of feeling invisible like: U never get to worry about what others say,cuz’ u never answer when u don’t find it right. U can dive in your imagination and even believe you are invisible,which gives me funny thoughts sometimes..I feel like a puzzle,misterious riddle,symbols..I’m there and no one can see me, find me…solve me and this makes it funnier. But it’s beautifully sad at the same time. U never get to chose who u are in this world : visible, half-visible, invisible..but still human,little unimportant, easily hurt and terribly breakable.. And still human.well this is who we are,and evethough we’re different we are all going at that only place ,Cruz’ we all want no know how it feels to be lost in infinity!